Join me as I share about a relationship setback that occurred in my life, how I healed from it and how it created a shift in my mind helping me to be prepared for the person who is now my husband.
I had met a guy whom we will call John due to confidentiality. We met through a mutual friend who thought we would be a good fit for each other. John and I were from the same country and shared similar cultures. The more John and I hung out together I began to like him, and I learned he was a nice sweet and attractive young guy. I had met his family and he had met mine, and because of that I thought we were dating although he never officially asked me to be his girlfriend. Though we were together on and off for a year I thought we were in a committed relationship, but when I look back at it now, he was never committed to me and our relationship was never defined. I kept asking myself when will he make it official? When is he going to be doing all the things he is supposed to be doing as my boyfriend?
As time went on, I began getting frustrated, I would go on social media and I would see he would like and comment on other females’ pictures. One of my close friends at the time, told me he tried making a move on her, and I completely ignored it and didn’t believe he would do something as such. Another friend told me he threw a party at his house, and I was not invited to it. I had all these red flags telling me he was not serious and committed to me, but for some reason I was not believing it. The last draw occurred, when he texted me addressing me as another female asking to hangout. I asked him who is Kim? And I recall him trying to come up with a white lie. At that time, I asked my self if this is something I want to keep dealing with. That same night I texted him saying how he has not been taking our relationship serious, and if he would rather go back to his ex-girlfriend then he should go. To my surprise, he said okay I was shocked he would just let me go without even trying. He seemed to be unbothered from the breakup. That night I felt miserable. I thought to myself how could someone not want me when I am young, beautiful, smart, and educated? I started to doubt my self-worth, and I was in a state of emotional pain for a while. I spent several nights crying. I felt like I didn’t really have someone to talk about with, so I kept a lot of it to myself.
1.Embrace the pain
I knew I had to start letting go, but I didn’t know how to start or where to begin. All I knew was that I was hurting. The first thing I did as I started on my healing journey was to embrace my pain. I didn’t try to mask it with something or someone else. I felt betrayed, lied to, a decrease in my self-worth decrease during this time, and I felt like he picked someone else over me. I allowed myself to feel every ounce of this pain and anger. I would lay in my bed and cry and my emotions would range from anger to feeling sorry for myself for allowing this to happen; eventually I would drift into a nap as I laid in bed. This occurred for a solid week before I started to realize okay, I need to stop this and get my life together. This image came to my mind of John being just fine without me while I sat in bed crying myself to sleep, and I got angry. I decided enough was enough and I’m not going to stay sad over someone who did not care about me to begin with.
2. Cut all contact
Once I mustered up some strength, I knew I had to cut him out of every area of my life if I really wanted to start getting over him and If I wanted to heal. I deleted his number, every text and picture out of my phone. At that time, I was using Facebook and I didn’t want to appear immature if I blocked him. So instead of blocking him on Facebook I deactivated my Facebook account. At that time I felt like that was the best thing to do, but now if I had to do it again, I would block him. There was something empowering about deleting his phone number, the pictures, and disconnecting from social media. It gave me time and space to be comfortable in my own presence. I started to feel my strength coming back. It was one of those out of sight out of mind things. Cutting all contact with him helped me to be in a mental space where it decreased how much I thought of the breakup; the mental space permitted me to start healing.
3. Identify the things he/she did wrong
As I began to give myself space to heal, I started seeing all the red flags which had been in our relationship which I could not see while in the relationship with him. At times Our minds can give us an illusion of realities that aren’t real. We often like to give people the benefit of the doubt, especially as women, but when you step out of a relationship that’s when you realize all the persons short comings. I identified all the things John did wrong and how he did not treat me well. When I created the list of things he did wrong, I realized “I let someone treat me less than my worth.” As I came to terms that all along John did not recognize my value, it hastened my healing process. You may think the person you broke up with may not have shortcomings, but if you reflect you will be able to find several things, he or she did wrong which can be used to hasten your healing process as well.
4. Forgive yourself
I had to forgive myself for not seeing all the red flags which were presented to me, for holding onto an illusion, for doubting myself after the breakup, and feeling like I was not enough. I had to do this through prayer and asking God to heal my heart. I would look at myself in the mirror and talk to my self in a loving way. I gave myself pep talks to encourage myself. Once I was able to forgive myself for these mistakes, I was also able to forgive John. Doing these things helped me to come to a place where I could forgive John for how he treated me, because I realized it did me no good walking with pain in my heart. Forgiving myself and John was liberating.
5. Surround yourself with uplifting people/activities
To keep my life moving forward, I had to surround my self with uplifting people who could encourage me during my healing process. I had a few ladies in my life who I could vent to and they provided social and emotional support to me. Find one or two people who can be of support to you. I also got back into doing the things I enjoyed doing such as exercising, dancing, and rollerblading. Doing these things helped me to get my mind off the pain I had felt, which was a healthy outlet and it helped to get my mind thinking positively.
6. Acknowledge the lessons learned
Through the breakup with John, I learned that If a guy really wants to be in a relationship, he will make his intentions known and I would have no doubts. A guy who pursues me will see my value, and I would not have to prove myself. If a guy is committed to me, he will not cheat on me or be with me as an option. If a guy is committed to a relationship, he will be a great leader and share in the same values that I have. If you don’t acknowledge the lessons you learned and the role you played in the breakup, you will keep making the same mistakes in future relationships. As I began reflecting on what I learned through the breakup, I utilized it to visualize how I will be treated and committed to in my next relationship.
Once I determined how I wanted to be treated in a relationship, I started to visualize this and talk about it. I posted signs of what I desired in a relationship on my laptop and in places where I looked at often. I also began praying for my future relationship. Doing so, reminded me of the type of guy I wanted in my life. It served as a compass when determining if someone was worth giving a chance to or not. In doing so I can say I attracted my now husband based on the type of energy I exuded.
~You too can come to this place of healing. If I can be of any assistance to you as you begin to heal, I would love to speak with you. Schedule a Free Breakthrough Call.